Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
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Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie