Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
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Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”