#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
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Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Dead
Alive
Other✔
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.