Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
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Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
and now we wait
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now