screw you
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ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
I feel this so hard
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Super Hand Dog Face
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Sometimes spelling a word or phrase backwards will still keep the original meaning
For example, if you spell “absolutely nothing” backwards, then you get “gnihton yletulosba” which means absolutely nothing.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
May have had one breakfast too many
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Apparently there’s a limit on the number of times you can say “I’d hit that” in a piñata factory.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?