SHE SAID YES!! ππππππ i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
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ME: Whoβs haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
U talkin 2 me?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.β
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that Iβll probably only get to do it the once.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
You know youβve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, βTake the thing off the thing,β and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
okay so letβs say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today Iβm still fat because I didnβt do any of it.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?