I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
You Might Also Like
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign