Shoo shoo! 😂
You Might Also Like
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.