Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
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Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Accurate
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
🤣😂🤣
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.