Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
You Might Also Like
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.