Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
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If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
What a year we’ve had this week.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M