Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
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At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why