Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
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Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
A choir of Spring onions
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin