Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it
You Might Also Like
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
sounds kinky. i’m in.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.