[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”