Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
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If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.