tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
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There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it