[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
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Weighing up my bread heating options
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”