Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
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You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year