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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here