The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.