The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
CRYING
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Breaking news:
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
bury ourselves
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake