[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
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I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn