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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.