The happy life.. 😊
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we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what