the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
You Might Also Like
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant