[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the đź•ł symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
â €
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
â €
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
â €
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
â €
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.