They also CAN sing✌️
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Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)