This can never not be funny 😭😭
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I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Happy Thanksgiving
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
December birthdays be like…
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it