This guy’s not having it 😆
You Might Also Like
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Saw online –
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Spotted in New Orleans.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
What’s a Messi?
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.