This is like the worst pick up line Iβve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
π©π€ππ€£ππ€¦πΌββοΈ
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wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
[Phish concert]
βI have to pee.β
βGo when the songβs over.β
βHow will I know?β
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
a baby cow is called a calf bc itβs half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Iβm just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Mom texted that sheβs enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Letβs rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
give a man a fish, thatβs a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT