This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
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Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.