Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
This has made my week.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
accurate
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
we’re gonna need another temp
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?