Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
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doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Passed by a old school Math example today.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha