Truth. ๐๐ญ๐ฎโ๐จ
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Single and childfree like Jesus
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
๐โโฌ๐๐ค
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
I canโt wait!
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*Taking my mom to a place sheโs never been*
My mom: Are you sure youโre going the right way?
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
itโs date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I wouldnโt mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
#parenting
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair