Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 馃幎am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 馃幎am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
You Might Also Like
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyonc茅?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can鈥檛 smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can鈥檛 smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I didn鈥檛 eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I鈥檓 on the Marie Kondo diet now.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it鈥檚 to look good for nude laser tag season.
I鈥檓 thinking she鈥檚 never asking that again.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we鈥檒l have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
i don鈥檛 want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Sorry, ma鈥檃m. I鈥檓 a solid 4 1/2. You鈥檙e an 8. You鈥檙e out of my league.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can鈥檛 train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody鈥檚 fault and none of us could have predicted this
Me: Don鈥檛 make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.