My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
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This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold