Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.