pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
happy friday
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”