what does he know…
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Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
o shit
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Someone just threatened to call me later
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
#Caturday
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.