[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
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Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄