Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
You Might Also Like
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.