I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
79.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*