As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
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Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I’m tired tomorrow.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff