“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
You Might Also Like
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Alexa; make it look like an accident
#NoRestForTheWicked
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.