I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
*sewing*
A thread
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Modded the new Gran Turismo
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
I see that your IQ test came back negative.