Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
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The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier