PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
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So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Carpe DM
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Happy Taco Tuesday
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.