cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
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Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I want this so bad
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.