The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
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I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
The French word for sex is croissant.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Have kids, they said
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.